Wow, I am one whiny little biotch, huh?

It was pointed out to me that my last few posts make it sound like Wendy is this rotten bitch who keeps me prisoner here, begrudges me every little thing, is out every night with a new guy, and is rubbing my face in it. Let me give you a more balanced perspective-

She is letting me stay here. That alone shows that she is still my friend, since most women, upon breaking up with a guy, kick him out of their house, ESPECIALLY when he isn't contributing any money, and does very VERY little housework. I am very thankful for her kindness in letting me stay, but she is also willing to help me find someplace else to live if/when I can (i.e. I finally have the money, a friend has a spare room, etc.).
She offers to take me places, not just the doctor, and she never complains about doing it. My comments about being the "pain in the ass always needing a ride" came entirely from me, not her. She drives me because she knows that if I'm medicated, I can't drive (nodding off while doing 70 through the middle of Salt Lake on I-15 is not conducive to long life); and if I'm not medicated, I'm subject to muscle spasms that can make it impossible for me to sit up, or step on the pedals, or hold onto the steering wheel.
Yes, she has dated other guys. I know this because she is honest enough to tell me, so that I don't harbor the idea that this is just another temporary breakup, and that we'll get back together again. I don't know exactly how many or how often, because I simply can't stand to ask, and she isn't rude enough to rub my face in her new social life. She tells me just enough so that I know when she should be home, basic emergency preparedness.
And my disability wasn't the final straw that drove her away, it was me giving up on myself. Last fall, after yet another denial by Social Security, I pretty much stopped trying to be a person- days without showering, or even brushing my teeth, and then trying to kiss her. No effort to keep the house even remotely clean. And on top of all of that, constantly saying that THIS is what my life is going to be from now on, it can't get any better. Would you stay with that? Of course not, no one would, the choice is to invest huge amounts of yourself into bringing that person back into the world, or saving yourself and getting out before he drags you down there too. Wendy had already spent years pulling me up from the pits of depression, I don't blame her for deciding it was time to take care of herself.
I don't know, maybe this would be easier if she was a bitch to me, maybe if she treated me like shit I wouldn't be having such a hard time letting go of what I wanted for my future, in as much as I think/plan for a future with the whole disability/SSA business. But I really don't think so, I think it would just hurt more. Even at our lowest, roughest points in our relationship, I've never called her names (not even during fights); I've never hated her. Someone told me once that if you can't hate the person you aren't really in love with them, because love/hate are the two sides of the same coin, but I don't buy that- I think not being able to hate the person just means that the love isn't just passion, that it is a deeper, more permanent emotion, part of you forever, a love built as much from respect and friendship as it is from passion.
Wendy is the first woman I ever truly loved, unconditionally and unreservedly, but the simple truth is it was a long, twisted, rough road to get there, and just because I reached that end doesn't mean Wendy was required to wait for it. She gave me 10 years of love, tried over and over and over to forgive various betrayals, and finally decided she had to start living her life for her, not anyone else. The fact that she reached that decision at roughly the same moment that I decided I needed to pull myself together and give her all that I can because she was the one person I wanted to wake up next to every morning and go to sleep holding every night for the rest of my life is just bad timing and proof that God is an Iron (those who commit felonies are felons, those who commit ironies...). Either that or he's an absolute prick, or I have a HUGE Karma debt, or whatever.
Wendy owes me nothing, and treats me quite decently, especially considering the situation. I owe her a lot, two years back rent if nothing else, and as difficult as our situation is, it is still the best option I have at this time (the others being move back to MT, which I will NEVER do as long as that child-molesting prick is there; or head to the homeless shelter, and they don't have enough room for my garb).