It has been pointed out to me that some of the things I've posted could be taken the wrong way, and that by posting about my personal life, I'm also letting people into Wendy's personal life, and I don't have a right to do that. So, some clarifications, then the change:
First, having coffee or going on a hike with someone, even if it's two different someones in the same weekend, does NOT make Wendy a slut, if I have given that impression I'm sorry, and anyone stupid enough to call her a slut, or any other name for that matter, in my presence, will be spitting out teeth.
Second, Wendy is NOT doing anything to me, despite what may have come across in previous posts. She is being an incredibly good and generous friend at a time when most people would want nothing to do with their ex-lover.
Third, she did NOT break up with me because of the disability- I destroyed her trust long before that, she just took a long time to admit to herself that a relationship isn't what she wanted anymore, it would have happened even if I was still working full-time and fighting for fun.
Finally, as noted above, blogging about my personal feelings and my personal life means spreading her personal life all over the internet as well, and I don't have the right to do that, so this is the LAST personal stuff blog. My feelings, especially about Wendy, will no longer be discussed.
As of now, it's an Entertainment News Blog!
Heath Ledger's Final Film Stars Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell, and Jude Law as Heath!
From the Associated Press- Terry Gilliam (from "Monty Python", director of previous Heath film "the Brother's Grimm") says that they were about halfway done with "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus" when Heath died of accidental overdose. Although his first thought was to scrap the film, leaving it unfinished, the other cast felt so strongly that the energy and effort that Heath had put into it, they owed it to him to finish it. As it happens, the parts not filmed yet when he died are parts where he has stepped through a magic mirror, three different "chapters" involved. That's where Heath's friends Johnny, Colin, and Jude came in, each of them taking one of the chapters, playing Heath's character after having stepped through the mirror. The most wonderful part of this story, to me, is that rather demand their normal salaries for making the movie, they accepted the remainder of Heath's salary, then gave it all to his daughter Matilda, working for free to complete their friend's movie. In a business that revolves around being fake people, that is a demonstration of true friendship and respect, and I salute all three gentlemen.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Wow, I am one whiny little biotch, huh?
It was pointed out to me that my last few posts make it sound like Wendy is this rotten bitch who keeps me prisoner here, begrudges me every little thing, is out every night with a new guy, and is rubbing my face in it. Let me give you a more balanced perspective-
She is letting me stay here. That alone shows that she is still my friend, since most women, upon breaking up with a guy, kick him out of their house, ESPECIALLY when he isn't contributing any money, and does very VERY little housework. I am very thankful for her kindness in letting me stay, but she is also willing to help me find someplace else to live if/when I can (i.e. I finally have the money, a friend has a spare room, etc.).
She offers to take me places, not just the doctor, and she never complains about doing it. My comments about being the "pain in the ass always needing a ride" came entirely from me, not her. She drives me because she knows that if I'm medicated, I can't drive (nodding off while doing 70 through the middle of Salt Lake on I-15 is not conducive to long life); and if I'm not medicated, I'm subject to muscle spasms that can make it impossible for me to sit up, or step on the pedals, or hold onto the steering wheel.
Yes, she has dated other guys. I know this because she is honest enough to tell me, so that I don't harbor the idea that this is just another temporary breakup, and that we'll get back together again. I don't know exactly how many or how often, because I simply can't stand to ask, and she isn't rude enough to rub my face in her new social life. She tells me just enough so that I know when she should be home, basic emergency preparedness.
And my disability wasn't the final straw that drove her away, it was me giving up on myself. Last fall, after yet another denial by Social Security, I pretty much stopped trying to be a person- days without showering, or even brushing my teeth, and then trying to kiss her. No effort to keep the house even remotely clean. And on top of all of that, constantly saying that THIS is what my life is going to be from now on, it can't get any better. Would you stay with that? Of course not, no one would, the choice is to invest huge amounts of yourself into bringing that person back into the world, or saving yourself and getting out before he drags you down there too. Wendy had already spent years pulling me up from the pits of depression, I don't blame her for deciding it was time to take care of herself.
I don't know, maybe this would be easier if she was a bitch to me, maybe if she treated me like shit I wouldn't be having such a hard time letting go of what I wanted for my future, in as much as I think/plan for a future with the whole disability/SSA business. But I really don't think so, I think it would just hurt more. Even at our lowest, roughest points in our relationship, I've never called her names (not even during fights); I've never hated her. Someone told me once that if you can't hate the person you aren't really in love with them, because love/hate are the two sides of the same coin, but I don't buy that- I think not being able to hate the person just means that the love isn't just passion, that it is a deeper, more permanent emotion, part of you forever, a love built as much from respect and friendship as it is from passion.
Wendy is the first woman I ever truly loved, unconditionally and unreservedly, but the simple truth is it was a long, twisted, rough road to get there, and just because I reached that end doesn't mean Wendy was required to wait for it. She gave me 10 years of love, tried over and over and over to forgive various betrayals, and finally decided she had to start living her life for her, not anyone else. The fact that she reached that decision at roughly the same moment that I decided I needed to pull myself together and give her all that I can because she was the one person I wanted to wake up next to every morning and go to sleep holding every night for the rest of my life is just bad timing and proof that God is an Iron (those who commit felonies are felons, those who commit ironies...). Either that or he's an absolute prick, or I have a HUGE Karma debt, or whatever.
Wendy owes me nothing, and treats me quite decently, especially considering the situation. I owe her a lot, two years back rent if nothing else, and as difficult as our situation is, it is still the best option I have at this time (the others being move back to MT, which I will NEVER do as long as that child-molesting prick is there; or head to the homeless shelter, and they don't have enough room for my garb).
She is letting me stay here. That alone shows that she is still my friend, since most women, upon breaking up with a guy, kick him out of their house, ESPECIALLY when he isn't contributing any money, and does very VERY little housework. I am very thankful for her kindness in letting me stay, but she is also willing to help me find someplace else to live if/when I can (i.e. I finally have the money, a friend has a spare room, etc.).
She offers to take me places, not just the doctor, and she never complains about doing it. My comments about being the "pain in the ass always needing a ride" came entirely from me, not her. She drives me because she knows that if I'm medicated, I can't drive (nodding off while doing 70 through the middle of Salt Lake on I-15 is not conducive to long life); and if I'm not medicated, I'm subject to muscle spasms that can make it impossible for me to sit up, or step on the pedals, or hold onto the steering wheel.
Yes, she has dated other guys. I know this because she is honest enough to tell me, so that I don't harbor the idea that this is just another temporary breakup, and that we'll get back together again. I don't know exactly how many or how often, because I simply can't stand to ask, and she isn't rude enough to rub my face in her new social life. She tells me just enough so that I know when she should be home, basic emergency preparedness.
And my disability wasn't the final straw that drove her away, it was me giving up on myself. Last fall, after yet another denial by Social Security, I pretty much stopped trying to be a person- days without showering, or even brushing my teeth, and then trying to kiss her. No effort to keep the house even remotely clean. And on top of all of that, constantly saying that THIS is what my life is going to be from now on, it can't get any better. Would you stay with that? Of course not, no one would, the choice is to invest huge amounts of yourself into bringing that person back into the world, or saving yourself and getting out before he drags you down there too. Wendy had already spent years pulling me up from the pits of depression, I don't blame her for deciding it was time to take care of herself.
I don't know, maybe this would be easier if she was a bitch to me, maybe if she treated me like shit I wouldn't be having such a hard time letting go of what I wanted for my future, in as much as I think/plan for a future with the whole disability/SSA business. But I really don't think so, I think it would just hurt more. Even at our lowest, roughest points in our relationship, I've never called her names (not even during fights); I've never hated her. Someone told me once that if you can't hate the person you aren't really in love with them, because love/hate are the two sides of the same coin, but I don't buy that- I think not being able to hate the person just means that the love isn't just passion, that it is a deeper, more permanent emotion, part of you forever, a love built as much from respect and friendship as it is from passion.
Wendy is the first woman I ever truly loved, unconditionally and unreservedly, but the simple truth is it was a long, twisted, rough road to get there, and just because I reached that end doesn't mean Wendy was required to wait for it. She gave me 10 years of love, tried over and over and over to forgive various betrayals, and finally decided she had to start living her life for her, not anyone else. The fact that she reached that decision at roughly the same moment that I decided I needed to pull myself together and give her all that I can because she was the one person I wanted to wake up next to every morning and go to sleep holding every night for the rest of my life is just bad timing and proof that God is an Iron (those who commit felonies are felons, those who commit ironies...). Either that or he's an absolute prick, or I have a HUGE Karma debt, or whatever.
Wendy owes me nothing, and treats me quite decently, especially considering the situation. I owe her a lot, two years back rent if nothing else, and as difficult as our situation is, it is still the best option I have at this time (the others being move back to MT, which I will NEVER do as long as that child-molesting prick is there; or head to the homeless shelter, and they don't have enough room for my garb).
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
When can I stop?
Okay, just in case anybody had any doubts when I said that Wendy is *completely* over me- On Friday I inadvertantly walked in on her chatting online with a guy named Johnny, whom she's apparently already gone out with; on Saturday she went hiking up Bell's Canyon with two other guys (she told me just in case she got lost, etc.); and last night, when I had some friends over to keep me from gonig completely insane, I didn't realize that she wasn't home until 11 pm, when the friends left and she showed up- she'd gone to Fiddler's Elbow after work with new co-workers (she just started an internship), saw a cute guy, and decided to stay and "get to know him".
Okay, I understand that while other people were out running around having lots of casual dates, she was in monogamous relationships, including ours, and that she's enjoying the freedom of NOT being in a relationship and not wanting one. And I'm trying, really hard, to be a supportive friend, let her know she can talk to me if she wants, that she doesn't have to hide anything from me, etc., but just the thought of another guy touching her makes my blood boil, and the definite, PROVEN knowledge that she PREFERS other guys to me, is a stake in the heart.
When can I stop being a supportive friend, and start being the incredibly jealous ex that I really am? When can I finally scream "I was ready to give you the rest of my life, and you decided we were through because the able-bodied college boys are more attractive!"
I don't know, but I do know it won't be as long as I live here, and until Social Security finally agrees that I'm disabled, this is the best choice for my living arrangements (and believe me, I've considered them all, even going back to MT).
So for now, I'll just keep my mouth shut (except here, of course), and be her friend, and try really hard not to think of her with other people. We kind of have a deal that she won't bring anyone here where we live, I wonder if that will survive the week that I'm gone to Uprising, somehow I doubt it. On the other hand, maybe a week without me will make her miss me, but I think it more likely that I'll need to call before I come home, to make sure she has time to get whoever out of here, and clean up the evidence.
Hopefully I'll be able to start dating someone else, and having someone that is actually attracted to ME will help me get over the woman that obviously isn't.
Okay, I understand that while other people were out running around having lots of casual dates, she was in monogamous relationships, including ours, and that she's enjoying the freedom of NOT being in a relationship and not wanting one. And I'm trying, really hard, to be a supportive friend, let her know she can talk to me if she wants, that she doesn't have to hide anything from me, etc., but just the thought of another guy touching her makes my blood boil, and the definite, PROVEN knowledge that she PREFERS other guys to me, is a stake in the heart.
When can I stop being a supportive friend, and start being the incredibly jealous ex that I really am? When can I finally scream "I was ready to give you the rest of my life, and you decided we were through because the able-bodied college boys are more attractive!"
I don't know, but I do know it won't be as long as I live here, and until Social Security finally agrees that I'm disabled, this is the best choice for my living arrangements (and believe me, I've considered them all, even going back to MT).
So for now, I'll just keep my mouth shut (except here, of course), and be her friend, and try really hard not to think of her with other people. We kind of have a deal that she won't bring anyone here where we live, I wonder if that will survive the week that I'm gone to Uprising, somehow I doubt it. On the other hand, maybe a week without me will make her miss me, but I think it more likely that I'll need to call before I come home, to make sure she has time to get whoever out of here, and clean up the evidence.
Hopefully I'll be able to start dating someone else, and having someone that is actually attracted to ME will help me get over the woman that obviously isn't.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
and now, it's a RELATIONSHIP blog!
As I mentioned previously, Wendy is very much over me, and I guess it's a good thing she doesn't read this blog, because if she did she'd know I'm not nearly as over her. If only she had dumped me for good 5 years ago, during one of our regular "break up" periods, when I had an "understudy" already on hand (and in bed, to be honest), to get me over her. Now, I have to start again fresh, with several serious disadvantages- it's hard to take a woman out when you don't have a car, or any money to take her anywhere with; it's impossible to invite a woman over for dinner when you still live with your Ex; it's *incredibly* hard to be attractive to anyone when you're 42 but walk like a 75-year old, always using the power cart at the store, often needing to sit in a wheelchair and be pushed around during long days. There's a very accurate reason that several cultures referred to crippled men as "so-and-so the Un-Manned".
But I still have to try, right? It's either that, or give up on the idea of having an intimate relationship of any kind for the rest of my life, and (for me at least) internet porn just don't cut it.
So, what am I looking for in a woman? Here's my list of "must have" qualities, in no particular order-
1: She must be attracted to me.
2: She must be attractive to me. Note- no specific body type or hair color, etc., she just has to have that spark.
3: She must be interested/involved in the SCA.
4: She must be single; I am familiar with the "polyamory" ideas, not interested, thanks, I want one-on-one relationship.
5: No psychos. Having some emotional baggage is fine, you can't reach 40 without it, and God knows I've got plenty of my own, but no telling me your pregnant just to test my reaction, no calling me 20 times a day to make sure I'm not cheating on you, etc.
6: She must live in Southern Artemisia, preferrably Salt Lake, but anywhere in the area is fine. She can be a Montanan, but I won't ever live there again (cold HURTS, and it's cold waaaay too long), so she'd need to move south.
7: She must be prepared to deal with my disability, and my being destitute.
8: She must be relatively intelligent; at least able to keep up with a discussion on modern politics and such, without referring to the President as Barack Osama.
Not asking a lot, right? Apparently I might as well be asking for a supermodel! It appears that all of the single women in Artemisia fail on either number 1, number 4, or surprisingly often number 5. As of right now, I know of only two candidates (but one of them seems to be failing on number 1).
This of course makes me incredibly jealous of Odfa, and Dunkr, and Padruig, and Doug, and Ulrich, and Vidar, and Stephen- all these guys I know who have incredibly beautiful wives that are WAY out of their league, and none of them has an available sister damn it!
Oh well, life goes on, and I must continue to try and find someone to share my life with, because lonliness only makes the disability and destitution worse.
Which reminds me, if you have a spare buck, feel free to click on the "donate" button.
But I still have to try, right? It's either that, or give up on the idea of having an intimate relationship of any kind for the rest of my life, and (for me at least) internet porn just don't cut it.
So, what am I looking for in a woman? Here's my list of "must have" qualities, in no particular order-
1: She must be attracted to me.
2: She must be attractive to me. Note- no specific body type or hair color, etc., she just has to have that spark.
3: She must be interested/involved in the SCA.
4: She must be single; I am familiar with the "polyamory" ideas, not interested, thanks, I want one-on-one relationship.
5: No psychos. Having some emotional baggage is fine, you can't reach 40 without it, and God knows I've got plenty of my own, but no telling me your pregnant just to test my reaction, no calling me 20 times a day to make sure I'm not cheating on you, etc.
6: She must live in Southern Artemisia, preferrably Salt Lake, but anywhere in the area is fine. She can be a Montanan, but I won't ever live there again (cold HURTS, and it's cold waaaay too long), so she'd need to move south.
7: She must be prepared to deal with my disability, and my being destitute.
8: She must be relatively intelligent; at least able to keep up with a discussion on modern politics and such, without referring to the President as Barack Osama.
Not asking a lot, right? Apparently I might as well be asking for a supermodel! It appears that all of the single women in Artemisia fail on either number 1, number 4, or surprisingly often number 5. As of right now, I know of only two candidates (but one of them seems to be failing on number 1).
This of course makes me incredibly jealous of Odfa, and Dunkr, and Padruig, and Doug, and Ulrich, and Vidar, and Stephen- all these guys I know who have incredibly beautiful wives that are WAY out of their league, and none of them has an available sister damn it!
Oh well, life goes on, and I must continue to try and find someone to share my life with, because lonliness only makes the disability and destitution worse.
Which reminds me, if you have a spare buck, feel free to click on the "donate" button.
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